Iam
موال انا
فإنه برجع لنفس المحل و بسأل حالي..
انا السمكة الما قدرت تقفز عكس التيار
انا الفيل من السيرك أطلقوا سراحه ركد عالقفص
انا الجوكر بالشدة بحكي كل اللهجات ما الو علىهم
انا شخص شرى التذكرة ما دخل
انا الشب الي لوى اجره
انا المركز التالي
انا الشب الاجا بده يمخط خزق دانه
انا حد العرّد بالقنينة
انا الشب المسح الارض
اانا شششش
انا مهند
انا محمد ١٠
انا عكداس زمبليطي
انا الهيكل
انا الكيس الطاير
انا كاسة بالغلط
انا حبة ابوكادو كبرت عالجبل
satnov1123
its been 14 years since I graduated from highschool with a modest score of 31, which really doesn't reflect the amount of hours that I've spent on my mother's bed looking at and trying to understand what that damn high level biology book was talking about. I remember walking the streets on my own and having this need to cry. I was going to miss all the friendships i've made, the highsand lows of academic life, and most important of all the happy vibes from school. I didn't know what i really wanted in life i was just happy I've graduated with a good score. My biggest contribution was the forgotten 20mins long seniors movie which i did alongside a famous dj (notice:won't mentionany names). It most probably will get sensored if shared.
The next sixth months of 2009 were spent applying and looking for a college that would accept me. I was really interested in dentistry, my mother even took the bus trip to egypt to register me on the admissions list in a nice private college in cairo. However my dad the dentist had a different opinion, he thought it would be better to study "handaseh" a word from arabic which could mean architecture, engineering or geometry in Arabic. The final say was the Egyptian ministry of education verdict which didn't recognise my ib scores and materials as equivalent to the requirements for scientific studies in the country. I've had to come up with a new plan.
After failing in getting admitted to egypt, I've enrolled into birzeit university in early 2010 for three semesters. it was pretty straightforward, we will admit you to the engineering faculty, and based on your scores we will specialise you into civil, architectural, electric, or mechanical engineering. I was horrible.
During my school studies my math was ok but i chose the lowest level, which meant that I didn't have to go through calculas. I took biology and chemistry as my two sciences. the materials we were getting judged on were calculas 1 and 2, physics 1 and 2, and drawing subjects. The average of these materials determined which area of engineering you were going to specialise in, I was failing miserably. it took me three complete semesters and two summer makeup semesters to pass those subjects at 60 -70 .. my whole average was 73 and thats because i was doing good with all the other subjects, mainly languages and electives.
After 5 long semesters we've decided that enough was enough and that education might be a better choice in the exterior. we've decided on making a go to colombia mid 2012 since it was convenient from a cost and travel/study requirements. the other choice was Britan, but it was way too expensive and i didn't fulfill the requirements.
it was late 2011 and i got into language courses right away. i took two courses and then enrolled to the university the next semester. I remember getting rejected at the university where i was doing the Spanish courses and had to move to Barranquilla to live with my uncle and study there at a foundation since that was the only place where i've got accepted to studying architecture right away no need for specialization.
studying in Barranquilla was hot and humid, the air conditioner often broke. The language was pretty different because of the accent and it took me a while to get used to it. I was simply a kid from high school out of his element. There were some high points like getting an award for an english essay but that was it. I remember not attending finals personally, missing classes and well you know it failing then taking the summer make ups as always, in order to graduate on time.
Graduation didn't feel like much of an accomplishment it came 6 months late. it wasn't because of accumilated failed materials, or bad average. It simply was that the final 4 materials I've had to go through didn't fit into one semester. The program had timr conflicts. well, a cool detail from that period was my graduation project in 2016 which got 4'8 on scale of five which i thought was astronomical but in real life it was like a recurring curse. The highest score was accomplished by a group of girls of whom i worked with during my 8th and 6th semester, they were kind but did all the work on their own we had no chemistry and a little bit of animosity. Was it culture or Religion? hell do i know.
That year I've realized that I wanted to become a musician, I've wrote my first song "today I woke up: ,اليوم صحيت" which became a staple in my diary throughout many years.
graduation came on march 15 2017, we attended a dinner where they handed us a professional card, and a nice stake with juice since i was developing kidney stones at the time and a "Muslim" that only drank in private si here's a cheers to that.
After a nice vacation in mexico, which ended up with the most brutal and bloody kidney attack that ive ever had to endure on my own. i went back to Palestine not knowing what's in the future. I started working at my uncle's office on a bifamiliar project I've only lasted 4 months before i retired, then for another 5 months at a construction site which were cut short due to a kidney stone attack.work at the site was much more active and fun. However your mistakes came with heavier consequences.
After retiring from the site i went through surgery to remove the stone then moved to live at a family apartment in the suburbs of Jerusalem which have turned into a dense ghetto of mostly unfinished high rise buildings over time.. the area was full of sand, dust, and most important of all people and traffic.Fights were as common as traffic jams which you usually had to avoid by driving through the wrong way. I guess that was my method of saving time, avoid traffic jams at all costs. At that place I've used to write and record music, then I got robbed at gun point. It was the most humilating experience of my life, just as humilating as the long hours I've spent in class without progress. that experience have brought out of me one of my darkest songs "i feel like" i felt like picking the world up and dropping it on your fucking head if you wanted to know what i felt like. Recovery wasn't easy, but I learned how to cry for the first time since i was a young child. I've cried everyday for a full month. I decided that the best way to move forward is through work. I took a hebrew coarse early 2019, then moved to a different city 2 hours north of Jerusalem. it was a great experience and I've even managed to make time for music and reading. It was also lonely and creepy,----- my door opened face to face with the door of my neighbour, a middle aged worker that wasn't really the most social kind of guy. I also remember screaming all around the area. I used to go on these long walks to the seaside and write, and guess what cry..
life at work wasn't that easy i was also trying to join a band but it never worked out. The demanding schedules and the new language were adding salt to the wound. My boss wasn't impressed, I've had to quit again. After retiring from my post as an architectural designer at the engineering firm I've spent next two months idle in the city before running out of money, and losing my wallet on the seaside. I've had to move back again to my parents house. I've spent a few months there reading as always and working on music. There was no money in that so I thought it was time to move back to Colombia and focus on my studies. it was late 2020 the covid pandemic was getting started, i moved to the house of a couple, a tailor and an office employee. I was sketching everything i see at that time, except for the most important memory during my stay. leaks from the window into my room. When it rained it was like a constant sound of drops through your ear none stop it was impossible to concentrate. One day, the couple was out and they asked me to irrigate the plants. obliging was a bad decision. the water spilled from the dishes sustaining the plants into the floor which cracked up. it had to be fixed. I paid the extra two hundred box and moved out. I moved to a student residence on the roof which was made of drywall and had no view or direct sunlight. It had a kitchen so you could cook. i remember sharing rice with a roomie that avoided me later on. I don't remember why. I did two interviews there and got accepted into a masters program. it was all virtual due to the pandemic.It was mid to late 2020, I moved to a new house and then out. I had a fight with the owner, and the roomies weren't pleased with me. I didn't even get the deposit after a 7 months stay, i don't even remember why. I quit school and the residency at the same time. I also remember visiting a dentist that removed my wisdom teeth. It was a bloody experience I've had to get stiched up. My buddy Jess suggested that I should move to his friends flat a few blocks up North it was quiet and independent and had a glimpse of the mountain. The rent was high but i prefered the indipendance to shared spaces, I've had to pay double the rent the first month as an insurance policy and all went smoothly. You program the payments on the bank app and all goes well. The owner raised the pay twice and ive had to do a couple of fixes. I've splashed soo much of my father's money there more than i will probably ever make . it wasn't happy.
On the academic side I've applied to a religious institution, got accepted right away. They assured me that i won't fail and it's really a good program. Apart from a handful number of teachers. Most classes were dominated by old school teachers which came to class talked about investigation and big ideas like creativity and innovation. They basically taught why things are this way and glorified the thomas edisons of our time. Education was long and painful it felt more like a BA, the teachers weren't impressed by me. On the bright side my adviser was great we had great conversations, and showed me onto some great authors. However the interesting teachers never lasted more than a course. The dogma was obvious it was a little bit contradictory to the vision of the program sustainable design. Many architects of airports were glorified, Femenism was repressed, I was silent.
After three painful semesters where i basically sold myself into the beliefs and morals of the institution I've fulfilled all the requirements to graduate. During that last semester my father suggested me visiting his dentist friend, which after removing cavities from my teath suggested me to go to a rhino-surgeon. I did however i wasn't high on going under the knife but somehow i did. i paid 8'500'000 pesos for an unwanted nose job. it wasn't bad or anything but it wasn't for me. I've also got 8.5 on my final thesis presentation out of a possible 10. it seemed like a great score but it was the lowest , all three ladies got the full grade, the men were down again.
A couple of months ago I've received my diploma virtually, it was enough for me, but then came the graduation with a picture of my empty seat.
No it didn't feel like much of an accomplishment and when i saw my professional card it was with a picture from my BA, thats not me.
And here I am, home within my parents house while theres a war outside going on l. I wish i was a decided person, I wish i knew what i wanted. No im not killing myself, no I'm not becoming a bad person. I just hope maybe after you reading this realise your goals and who you are in life and move forward.
accent 8/nov/23
you know I've had to look back on many things from the past that were constantly being done wrog and affectig my well bing and the one that had struck me the moss was the way i speak.
it's no secress that if you focus on the tiny details of laguage you are being ineefisher on the larger picture and uncausciously distractig yoursafe from what you really what.
I never new that eglish b iplied speaking a broker laguage.. thats speaking during the school dais. Like look at the way i's speakir naa. it's much more convenient than working hard on every pronounciasher, soundbite, delivery..etc
you are doing a speach demonstratioer and basically trying to restrict the comunicasher. Theres something human about language that needs to be released inorder for the fluid of the comunicasher. it has to be permeable not perfec i wish i knew that beforehand im glar i do naw.
انا بسبب التعليم جاهل
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ف اه
التعليم بتجربتي و ممكن ب ٩٠ بالمئة من التجارب هو عبارة عن برنامج تلفزيوني أبطاله طلاب "عارفين" أو بالأحرى طالبات يحددوا مين منيح و عاطل. انت هناك بأحسن الأحوال لتحصل ع مركز ثاني او اول اذا معهم بعد ما تعزمهم و تشكرهم بكل ما أوتيت من قوة بعد ما عزلوك أو انعزلت بشكل ما عن العمل، بحكم تراكم الحصص الضائعة و الانت ما فهمت فيها شئ عن المهنة البتدرسها.. الدراسة بتبدأ بعد ما تفشل بالعمل و التعليم العالي الي بتكرر فيه نفس المسلسل.. و انت بتفكر حالك تحسنت بس عالاغلب رجعت درجات للوراء لانه هلق كله عبارة عن قراءة و كتابة و سماع محاضرات عن قديش كان عظيم ستيف جوبز.
انت حاليا مرمي عالتخت ايد عدقن بتكتب مصدوم من قديش العالم لعين و المجتمع الأكاديمي.. متحيز لعقائديات انت ما الك خص فيها بس أثرت عليك اكثر من ما كنت تتعلم.. لو كنت عارف هيك الوضع كان دخلت ع ورشة و اقتديت بالكتب..
فإنه بالمجمل رح استذكر موقف صغير صار سنة الألفين و ١٣، رح اتفرج ع مجسم لبن مش رح اكمل خلينا نسمي هذي الشخصية لمينا، رح اتفرج انا و استاذ كان عزيز علي ع مجسم المينا و بسألني : عجبك؟ انا: اه .. رح تبنيه اذا صحلك انا : اه طبعا أجوبة تحت التنويم المغناطيسي و ضغط انك لازم تطلع بشهادة .. و طبعا ضغط من كل الجوانب انا صرت ضحية و انسان كاذب مش حقيقي من وراه و ممكن أنه ضرني أكثر من ما عمل نتيجه إيجابية و من سببه انا حاليا مرمي بكوع عالتخت و في حرب عالتلفزيون، من سببه انا ما الي دور انسان هامشي جبان، انسان لعبة للإناث ، انسان ضعيف .. انا بسبب التعليم جاهل..
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قال اليوم رحت ع عزى الاستاذ محمد سليم، لحالي. رح البس بلوزة سودة نص كم قبة ڤي بنطلون جينز ابو ال٥٠ شيكل، قميص بنفسجي معه طاقية و سمّاعات جي بي ل، رح اخيبهم بجيبي قبل الدخول على بيت الاجر. بصل و بسلم عالجميع و بقعد لحالي. بعدين بلاقي ولاد من المدرسة كانوا معنا و بقعد معهم. جنبي موسى بركات لاعب قدم ماكر كان معي بالتدريب، صغير البنية لكن تحكمه بالكره كان جدا قوي. بقعد جنبه و بقله: ايش يا كبير؟! هو التخم بقلي: انا مش كبير، انت اكبر مني
صفنت و قلتله: مش مشكله و دار بيناتنا حديث سطحي عن الحياة و الموت، و المدرسة. كان ال جو لطيف لكن الشباب اجت قبلي و طلعت بكير.
انا رح اضل اشرب فنجان قهوة كاسة مي و بلحة (مش بالترتيب) و رح اخرج بعدهم بدقائق. بسلم ع كم شب من العائلة البعيدة، و بهرب من صف التسليم الداخل على كبار العائلة، و بصوت خافت بقول: عظم الله اجركم جميعا، و بحط ايدي ع صدري كأنه واصله و بضل طالع عالدرج عشان اخذ لفه عالبلد. في البلد رح اوقف عند الأخوين وليام و اخو وليام بياعين الترمس و اطلب منهم ذراية بخمس شواقل. انا كنت مفكره رح يلفها بورقة و يعطيني إياها سألني اذا بحب يقسمها قلتله: لا, و اخذت الكيس و ضليت طالع باتجاه الطيرة. اكلت أول خشمتين و هي الذرة مكتملة بعدين قسمتها نصين و اكلتها بالشارع. لما وصلت عند مفرق كستانا رحت ع يمين الطريق و نفخت بالكيس عأساس افقعه لكنه مافقع لما دست عليه، فأخذته و نفخته مرة ثانية و ظربته بيدي بالحيط، انخزق بس ما فقع. Please refer to the recording
المهم بعد ما انخزق الكيس، رح اروح من جهت شارع مشاوي ابو جاني و اكملها طلوع ع البلد و من البلد للدار. و انا بالطريق بفكر أنه راحلي خمسة شيكل لاني ناقص من يدي عشرة، لكن مجموع ال مصاري المعي كان ستة و ثلاثين و هو باقي ملك شيك المانجا الشريته باربعتشر شيقل اليوم السابق، يعني ما راح اشي. منيح الما راح لاني بيوم سابق خزقت بوت سكتشرز ع طريق المسجد بميتين شيكل و لسه مش عارف اكتبه والا اصلحه. الفلم ما ينتهي هان لاني راح اخذ طريق شارع نابلس باحثا عن دواء من الصيدلية كانت قيمته ثنين و أربعين شيكل لكن الصيدلانية رح تحسبه بأربعين رح اطلب اني ادفع بالكرت لكن ما زبط قلتلها: معي دولار، قالتلي: تمام لكن رح احسبه ع سعر اقل من السوق (٤ شيقل) قلتلها تمام. بعد ما خلصت العملية رجعت للصندوق الالكتروني تبع البنك اتأكد شو صاير للبطاقة. كلشي كان شغال سحبت ميت شيقل للتأكد و روحت عالدار و انا خافي شكلي بالطاقية تبعة القميص... هل لاحظتم الخطأ بتسلسل الأحداث ؟
رح اكون شخص ثاني
رح احقق كل احلامي
رح اكتب اغاني و ابني مباني
كله رح يحصل لما كلشي يتغير
رح ابني قصر قبل العصر و جسر بعد العشاء
رح اجمع اسطوانات و اعيش درويش
رح تصير كل الناس اتدور علي
رح ابطل منطوي و خجول
رح اسافر باحسن الرحل
و ازور كل الاماكن الكنت احلم اشوفها
رح اكون رجل مخلص لعائلتي و المجتمع
رح اشتغل ع علاقتي الهرمية مع امي
و رح اغني و أصرخ بأعلى صوتي
رح اغير نظرة العالم الي و أعلمه اشيا جديدة عن الحياة
رح اكون انسان متفائل و مطلع
رح اضل اكتب عن هذا اليوم لحد ما يجي
بس لما كلشي يتغير
رح اكسر قيود العائلة و المجتمع
و رح ارسم ابتسامات ع وجوه كل الناس
رح ارسم لوحة و رح اسبق كل المنافسين
رح اكون غير و رح اثبت انه كل شخص حاول يحبطني كان فاشل
رح يكون عندي اسلوب
رح البس طواقي حلوة و ملابس اخاذه
رح اثبت جدارتي و رح اطير لبعيد كل هذا
بس لما كلشي يتغير
Firewords 6 Jan 2023
The choice
That moment..
He walks in. Starts speaking with a hesitant tone but then, finds the comfort in your kindness and softens his speech. He tries to give you all the reasons on why this will not work, and keeps on assuring you that he's done his best. He has spoken with all the managers and have actually tried to push your case but there's nothing that could be done about it at this point. Pause, he asks you if you have any children, then mentions his daughter and how shes the most valuable thing to him. He tells you to think about the children and their future.
On your side, your dreams are shattered and you have to dig in deep. Meanwhile he asks you if you understood everything what he just told you. He extends his arm towards your shoulder. He tells you that you're a bright person but that's how things work here. You are confused, belittled, and empty. You have given them your everything but It's not enough. It's time to leave. He leads you towards the door and whispers in your ear "farewell". He tells you to not forget what he told you then dismisses you with a hand gesture. Though you haven't had the chance to reply it's over for you. You're on your own again. You have to find a different dream, even a different life. It's the beginning of a new chapter and it's time to start all over again. it's up to you to make the choice...
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